The Space Between Quotations
A very late Happy New Year to anyone that still reads this little bloggie ....
I originally started this blog to find a way to keep track of the way my life has gone over the last few years; a space to put fun stuff on, lessons and cool stuff I've learnt etc etc etc.
But as I sit looking at the number of posts since inception I felt despair and frustration. What are you even still writing anymore? Do you even have things to write about and share, Sash? The fire has doused and everyone's left the campsite, you're still sitting there trying to fan the ashes.
They say its always a good thing to start the year with reflection; but last year, even though no actual tragedy, I found myself dying. Forcing myself and every fiber in me to "do", to "be". I was trying to compartmentalize my life into a simple act, a verb, a noun, a whatever. But always between two quotation marks because I literally felt stuck between two pieces of punctuation; trying to fix my life and push into a certain place that I want it to be without actually living, without looking through the window at the summer flowers, the autumn brash leaves that fell from eventual; barren armed winter trees and while the flocks of birds returned in Spring I forgot for many moments that they were there again.
I forced myself to eat a certain way, to "exercise" in ways that worked for other people; failing dismally every time I took a step forward. "What the fuck am I doing?" I asked every time I literally picked myself up after a 5 second plank. I overworked myself, trying to please people that don't even know or care that I exist. Burnt out and sullen I returned home every evening. Falling ill more times than I care to mention. Burying myself into social media and this outlook that your life needs to be a certain way. "You need to put out content!" to be noticed, to be liked, to be wanted, to make money, to get attention. You watch people doing things and mess around with your time and panic because you're not doing anything and then you just sleep because that makes the time go by faster. That's only the half of it. You never truly know a person's story unless you can get into their heads. Chances are you never will.
But anyway, what the hell is the point of this sad story Sash, you may ask? Well I woke up one morning a few days after turning 25 and realised; all the lessons last year? Maybe we can use that shit to our advantage. Maybe, Sash, you should just live an ordinary life; doing little extraordinary things; not for anyone else, but for yourself. So I started reading again, I enjoyed that. Books are extraordinary. I stopped doing the shit that I didn't like, like trying to do so called exercise the hard way. I get that fitness is important but hear me out, it gets better. I stopped forcing myself to eat things I didn't like, I mean no hard feelings lettuce but I just can't eat you every damn day. I stopped overworking. Chances are my boss isn't going to read this but on the off chance, he wouldn't have noticed coz I'm a damn frugal employee and still get my shit done; fantastically I might add. Anyway in basic bitch terms, I stopped beating myself up.
Last year, from the all but 3-4 posts that went up on the blog; I touched a lot on taking care of yourself and that sometimes its okay to have an off day or 3. These are some of the things I started doing and if you've made it this far; I feel like it's great advice because it's literally made me feel like a new person. Take what you may, apply it, don't apply, but here's a few things I've learnt:
I've started and ended at least 3 blogs over the last 8 odd years... Ending them because I wasn't satisfied or irritated with the names and content etc and come to think of it, I would have closed up this one a while ago if I hadn't thought it had purpose and maybe this is it? While I'm not going to promise a plethora of ever changing content right now I will say that I'm doing a few things this year, which will probably get up on this;
I found a 12 months of the year challenges which I'll probably post about soon. I'm very excited about it. January is sort of a purge your life month. So far, I've cleaned out my bookshelf and all my cupboards. Feeling quite chuffed with myself. Another challenge is 12 books for the year; one per month. I'm currently reading The Catcher in the Rye; again but it's a favourite. I'll probably post a book review or 12. But who knows?
So I'll be doing shit for myself this year. What about you?
I originally started this blog to find a way to keep track of the way my life has gone over the last few years; a space to put fun stuff on, lessons and cool stuff I've learnt etc etc etc.
But as I sit looking at the number of posts since inception I felt despair and frustration. What are you even still writing anymore? Do you even have things to write about and share, Sash? The fire has doused and everyone's left the campsite, you're still sitting there trying to fan the ashes.
They say its always a good thing to start the year with reflection; but last year, even though no actual tragedy, I found myself dying. Forcing myself and every fiber in me to "do", to "be". I was trying to compartmentalize my life into a simple act, a verb, a noun, a whatever. But always between two quotation marks because I literally felt stuck between two pieces of punctuation; trying to fix my life and push into a certain place that I want it to be without actually living, without looking through the window at the summer flowers, the autumn brash leaves that fell from eventual; barren armed winter trees and while the flocks of birds returned in Spring I forgot for many moments that they were there again.
I forced myself to eat a certain way, to "exercise" in ways that worked for other people; failing dismally every time I took a step forward. "What the fuck am I doing?" I asked every time I literally picked myself up after a 5 second plank. I overworked myself, trying to please people that don't even know or care that I exist. Burnt out and sullen I returned home every evening. Falling ill more times than I care to mention. Burying myself into social media and this outlook that your life needs to be a certain way. "You need to put out content!" to be noticed, to be liked, to be wanted, to make money, to get attention. You watch people doing things and mess around with your time and panic because you're not doing anything and then you just sleep because that makes the time go by faster. That's only the half of it. You never truly know a person's story unless you can get into their heads. Chances are you never will.
But anyway, what the hell is the point of this sad story Sash, you may ask? Well I woke up one morning a few days after turning 25 and realised; all the lessons last year? Maybe we can use that shit to our advantage. Maybe, Sash, you should just live an ordinary life; doing little extraordinary things; not for anyone else, but for yourself. So I started reading again, I enjoyed that. Books are extraordinary. I stopped doing the shit that I didn't like, like trying to do so called exercise the hard way. I get that fitness is important but hear me out, it gets better. I stopped forcing myself to eat things I didn't like, I mean no hard feelings lettuce but I just can't eat you every damn day. I stopped overworking. Chances are my boss isn't going to read this but on the off chance, he wouldn't have noticed coz I'm a damn frugal employee and still get my shit done; fantastically I might add. Anyway in basic bitch terms, I stopped beating myself up.
Last year, from the all but 3-4 posts that went up on the blog; I touched a lot on taking care of yourself and that sometimes its okay to have an off day or 3. These are some of the things I started doing and if you've made it this far; I feel like it's great advice because it's literally made me feel like a new person. Take what you may, apply it, don't apply, but here's a few things I've learnt:
- Listen to your body and give it the food it wants. You will one day feed yourself 4kgs of chocolate and realise that you can't do that again. You will feel ill and one day stop wanting to binge eat and learn that moderation is key for your basic sanity. This is a good time to listen to what your body/stomach wants. How your body takes in food and how it gets it out. Yes, I'm going there. I have IBS. I know shit. Pun intended. Feed your body an occasional vegetable and if it feels good then keep doing it! Chances are you will react very well to this. Personally, I've always hated brown/wholewheat bread. Today, my body has never felt better after having a slice or 2 for breakfast. Eat what works for you.
- Don't run if you don't like it. Yes, above I mentioned that it gets better. But here's the thing peeps, there are about 100 different ways to do different kinds of exercises. Google it, try out 50 different things and find atleast 4-5 that you like and then just do it. You will feel better. This will become your life in the best way possible. Your body is capable of so much. More than you know.
- Sleep when you need to but make time! I suffered most of last year from whatever the hell kind of exhaustion/routine I had going on and slept by 9pm most nights, waking up exhausted. Don't do this. Why? This brings me to the next point and most important lesson I've learnt.
- Do things. Please do things. Read. colour, call a friend. Do things. If you stop moving, you fall into an abyss. Make a list of things you want to do: blog, wash your make up brushes, watch a movie, allocate time to organise your Pinterest boards, spend some time with your parents!!! If there is one thing that is keeping me afloat this year, is my little list. It may sound aimless at first, but these lists have helped me learn more about myself in the last month than the entire of last year and one of the best feelings is crossing out an item from that list. Still pending on whether to post my list here but we'll see.
I've started and ended at least 3 blogs over the last 8 odd years... Ending them because I wasn't satisfied or irritated with the names and content etc and come to think of it, I would have closed up this one a while ago if I hadn't thought it had purpose and maybe this is it? While I'm not going to promise a plethora of ever changing content right now I will say that I'm doing a few things this year, which will probably get up on this;
I found a 12 months of the year challenges which I'll probably post about soon. I'm very excited about it. January is sort of a purge your life month. So far, I've cleaned out my bookshelf and all my cupboards. Feeling quite chuffed with myself. Another challenge is 12 books for the year; one per month. I'm currently reading The Catcher in the Rye; again but it's a favourite. I'll probably post a book review or 12. But who knows?
 |
| Photo by Plush Design Studio on Unsplash |
You go guuurl!
ReplyDeleteThanks beautiful!
Delete